Cultivating Emotional Safety
”Trust, honesty, humility, transparency, and accountability are the building blocks of a positive reputation. Trust is the foundation of any relationship.”
Fostering emotional safety in an interpersonal relationship involves creating an environment where each individual feels secure to express themselves openly and authentically. This process requires intentional effort and a commitment to building trust, respect, and understanding.
Trustworthiness
You’ll need to begin by establishing a foundation of trust - this will require a basis of vulnerability to start with, and may be uncomfortable at the outset, however, trust is the bedrock of any safe relationship. One must demonstrate reliability by keeping promises and following through on commitments. You must show consistency in your actions, so your partner(s) know they can depend on you. Trust is built over time through small, everyday actions that convey reliability and integrity, so, ensure that when you say you’re going to follow through on something, you do so, day in and day out.
Elements of Trustworthiness
- Showing Consistency
- Being Dependable
- Keeping Confidentiality
- Maintaining Integrity
- Staying Calm Under Pressure
With these elements, a relationship has a foundation to build upon, and when they are missing, the relationship is, at best, on shaky ground, and more often than not, prepared for collapse. Let’s see how Emily and Jake’s relationship grows more troubled, and eventually collapses as the breakdown of trust progresses:
Emily & Jake: Trustworthiness
Emily and Jake had been together for four years, and had met just out of college, and their relationship had always been a source of strength and happiness for both of them. However, over the past few months, things had started to change. Emily couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off, and her trust in Jake was beginning to waver.
It started with small inconsistencies: Jake used to have a predictable routine, but lately, he seemed to be all over the place. He’d tell Emily he was working late, only for her to find out he was out with work friends. When she confronted him, he’d shrug it off, claiming he must have forgotten to mention it. Emily tried to brush it off as well, but it left a seed of doubt that she couldn’t quite shake.
Then, there was the issue of dependability. Jake used to be someone Emily could count on for just about anything. If she needed a ride home, he was there, if she needed someone to talk to, he would always listen. But now, Jake was frequently late or forgot about their plans altogether. One evening, Emily waited for over an hour at a restaurant, only to receive a text from Jake saying he got caught up at work and couldn’t make it. It wasn’t the first time this had happened, and Emily started to feel like she was no longer a priority.
Confidentiality was another matter that began to gnaw at Emily’s trust. They had always shared everything with each other, secure in the knowledge that their secrets were safe. But one day, Emily overheard Jake discussing a private matter she had confided in him with one of his friends. When she confronted him, Jake laughed it off, saying it was no big deal. To Emily, it felt like a betrayal, and that night they’d had a big fight about it, and neither of them slept well afterward.
Emily valued integrity, and she had always believed Jake did too. But recently, she caught him in a few lies, small ones at first, but they added up. He’d tell her he was on his way home when he wasn’t, or he’d claim he hadn’t seen a message when he clearly had. They weren’t even anything he needed to lie about - each of them was about something that she could have understood, but each lie chipped away at the foundation of trust that their relationship was built on.
The final straw came during a stressful period at work for Emily. She was under immense pressure as a project was behind schedule, and the deadline was soon, and she needed Jake’s support more than ever. Instead of being her rock like he had in the past, Jake snapped at her, seemingly out of nowhere. He dismissed her concerns, telling her she was overreacting and needed to relax, and stormed out of the room muttering to himself. Emily felt alone, and the trust she once had in Jake’s ability to be there for her was shattered.
One evening, after another argument about Jake’s whereabouts and his lack of support, Emily decided she couldn’t continue like this. She sat down with Jake and explained how his actions had eroded and finally broken her trust. She told him about the inconsistencies, the broken promises, the breaches of confidentiality, the lies, and his inability to stay calm when she needed him most.
Jake listened, and for the first time in months, he seemed to understand the depth of the problem. He apologized and promised to change, but Emily wasn’t sure if she could believe him anymore. The damage was done, and it would take a long time to rebuild the trust they once had.
They talked for a few hours, but in the end, Emily and Jake decided to take a break to reflect on their relationship. Emily hoped that with time and effort, they might be able to find their way back to each other. But she also knew that trust, once broken, was not easily mended. She needed to see real change and consistency from Jake if they were ever to have a chance at a future together.
Trust is difficult to rebuild, but with time, effort, and a real commitment to change, all is not lost. However, Jake has a lot of work to do, and will need to take time to introspect, reflect on the feedback that he has received and truly see how he has damaged Emily, and make a plan on how to alter his behavior to ensure that when the time is right, he can come back with a solid apology, and commit to improve.
Active Communication
Open, honest communication is crucial: encourage candid discussions about thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of judgment or retaliation by modeling this behavior yourself. Share your own feelings and experiences openly and honestly. When you lead by example, others are more likely to feel comfortable doing the same. Actively listen when your partner(s) speaks, giving them your full attention and showing that you value their perspective. Reflect back what you’ve heard to ensure understanding and show empathy, validating their emotions and experiences.
Elements of Active Communication
- Communicating Transparently
- Providing Constructive Feedback
- Sharing Information
- Encouraging Dialogue
- Active Listening
With these elements, each partner can openly and honestly communicate needs, wants, and thoughts, feelings, and encouragement to their partners without fear and expect honest and positive feedback. When they are missing, however, trouble strikes, and tension, fear, recrimination, retribution, judgment, and retribution can creep their way into seemingly simple conversations.
Matt & John: Active Communication
Matt and John, once actively engaged with each other’s lives and vocally supportive are going through some struggles - let’s see how some failures in communications are harming their relationship:
Matt and John had been in a loving relationship for five years, having met at a conference out west one summer, and decided to keep meeting each summer afterward until Matt finally asked John to make it official a few years later. Ever since, they had always been each other’s confidants and biggest supporters. However, as life became busier, their ability to actively communicate started to wane, and the cracks in their relationship began to show.
It started with a lack of transparent communication. Matt had been feeling overwhelmed at work, but he didn’t want to burden John with his problems. Instead of sharing his feelings, he put on a brave face and told John everything was fine. Meanwhile, John was dealing with his own stress as he took on more responsibilities at his architectural firm. He noticed Matt’s distant behavior but didn’t press him for details, thinking Matt would come to him when he was ready. This unspoken tension grew, creating a barrier between them.
Their struggles were compounded by a lack of constructive feedback: Matt, exhausted from work, became increasingly critical of John’s efforts around the house - the dishes were always a point of contention. Instead of offering helpful suggestions, he snapped at John for not doing things “right.” Meanwhile, John, feeling unappreciated, responded with defensiveness rather than understanding. When John tried to express his feelings, Matt dismissed them, saying John was overreacting. Understandably, this cycle of negative feedback and dismissiveness created resentment on both sides.
Sharing information became another issue: John had been working on a major project that he was excited about - a new shoreline development, but felt that Matt was too preoccupied with his own problems to care so he didn’t share the details with Matt. When Matt eventually found out about the project from a mutual friend, he felt hurt and excluded and wondered why John hadn’t trusted him enough to share his achievements, which only deepened his sense of isolation.
Naturally, this lack of dialogue further strained their relationship: even when they did have time together, their conversations were surface-level and filled with tension. Instead of discussing their feelings and concerns, they avoided difficult topics, fearing arguments. The silence between them grew louder, and the connection they once cherished felt increasingly distant.
Once normally avid listeners, once a cornerstone of their relationship, was now virtually nonexistent: whenever John tried to talk about his day or his feelings, Matt would be distracted, checking his phone or thinking about work. Unsurprisingly, this made John feel unheard and unimportant, which made him withdraw even more. Conversely, when Matt attempted to express his own frustrations, John would interrupt with solutions instead of simply listening, leaving Matt feeling misunderstood and unsupported.
One evening, after another argument about Matt’s constant criticism and John’s perceived indifference, they sat in silence, the weight of their unspoken words hanging heavily in the air. Finally, John broke down, tears streaming down his face as he confessed how lonely and unvalued he felt. Matt, seeing John’s vulnerability, realized how far they had drifted from the open and loving communication they once had.
It was a turning point for them. They both knew they had to make a conscious effort to rebuild their communication. They started by setting aside time each day to talk honestly about their feelings, without judgment or interruption. They learned to give each other constructive feedback, focusing on solutions rather than criticism. They made a point to share their achievements and struggles, ensuring that the other felt included and valued.
Slowly, they began to encourage deeper dialogue, discussing not just their daily activities - Matt had taken up morning jogging - but their hopes, fears, and dreams - John had the thought of returning to the conference they’d met at since they hadn’t been in several years. Most importantly, they practiced active listening, putting away distractions, and giving each other their full attention and empathy.
Rebuilding their communication wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. Through patience, effort, and a renewed commitment to each other, Matt and John were able to reconnect and strengthen their relationship. They realized that active communication was the foundation of their love and that maintaining it required ongoing dedication from both sides.
While it will take time to rebuild their communication to where it once was, Matt and John are on the path to speaking openly and honestly again, and that will lead to a stronger bond between the two as they tackle problems elsewhere - as a team, rather than as opposition.
Honor & Respect
Respect is another important component. Honor each other’s boundaries and personal space, both physically and emotionally. Recognize and appreciate differences, and approach them with curiosity rather than criticism by asking open-ended questions that lead your partner to reveal more about themselves and the things that interest them. Adopt a mindset that is curious about the people important to you, and respect those differences by maintaining a sense of curiosity and wonder about the world and the people in it. You can approach each interaction with the intention of discovering something new and interesting. This respect fosters an environment where all parties feel valued and understood, laying the groundwork for deeper connection and mutual support.
Elements of Honor & Respect
- Respecting Boundaries
- Being Punctual
- Being Fair
- Respect Others’ Opinions
- Investing Time
These elements together define the basis for equity and equality in a relationship, providing for a shared and level field for everyone’s needs and wants. In this way, each partner’s perspectives, expectations, priorities, and desires can be appropriately attended to without undue imbalance one way or the other. In addition, each partner invests time, attention, and effort into each other partner and the whole, contributing to the relationship, demonstrating commitment overtly through word, action, and deed.
When these elements are missing, the lack demonstrates that the individuals are “checked-out”, selfish, non-contributory, or see the other partners as somehow lesser in some way. Let’s see how Leia and Jane struggle with this dynamic:
Leia & Jane: Honor & Respect
Leia and Jane had been together for four years, their relationship a tapestry of deep love and mutual respect. But over the past year, the threads began to fray, primarily due to their failure to honor and respect each other in several key areas. It began with boundaries: Leia had always needed alone time to recharge, and initially, Jane understood this. However, as they both started working from home, Jane began to encroach on Leia’s personal space. She would barge into Leia’s office when the door was closed, failing to grasp why Leia needed solitude. Leia, feeling her boundaries were being ignored, started to resent Jane’s constant presence - she felt disrespected, her needs seemingly undervalued.
Conversely, Leia had issues with punctuality. Jane prided herself on being on time, whether for dates, appointments, or social gatherings. Leia, however, had a more relaxed attitude towards time, often arriving late and causing them to miss reservations or be the last to show up at events. Jane tried to talk to Leia about how her tardiness made her feel disrespected and anxious, but Leia brushed it off, insisting it wasn’t a big deal, ignoring the growing problem.
Fairness in their relationship also became a sore spot. Jane often made decisions without consulting Leia, from planning trips to making major purchases. When Leia voiced her concerns about the lack of fairness and shared decision-making, Jane dismissed her feelings, saying she was overreacting. Leia felt increasingly sidelined and unimportant in their partnership.
Respecting each other’s opinions was another struggle - Leia was passionate about social justice issues and enjoyed discussing them. Jane, however, often dismissed Leia’s views, interrupting her or belittling her opinions during conversations. This disregard for her thoughts left Leia feeling unheard and disrespected, causing her to withdraw from meaningful discussions altogether.
Investing time in their relationship had always been important to both of them, but lately, Leia seemed more focused on her work and hobbies than on their relationship. She would cancel plans at the last minute, prioritizing work events or nights out with friends over their time together. Jane felt lonely and neglected, longing for the days when Leia would make an effort to spend quality time with her.
The culmination of these issues came one evening when they were supposed to have a quiet dinner at home. Jane arrived two hours late without any prior notice, preoccupied with work calls even as she walked in the door. Frustrated and hurt, Jane finally confronted Leia about the lack of respect and honor in their relationship: “We need to talk,” Jane said, her voice trembling with a mixture of anger and sadness. “This isn’t working. I feel like you don’t respect my time or our plans anymore.”
Leia, taken aback, realized the depth of Jane’s hurt. She had been so absorbed in her own world that she had neglected the essential elements of respect and honor their relationship needed to thrive: “I’m so sorry, Jane,” Leia began, her voice soft and sincere. “I didn’t realize how much my behavior was affecting you. I promise to work on being more mindful of your needs.”
Jane nodded, tears welling in her eyes. “And I’m sorry for not respecting your need for space, for making decisions without you, and for dismissing your opinions. We’ve both been growing apart, and I don’t want to lose what we have.”
After talking for most of the rest of the night they both agreed that they needed help to rebuild the respect and honor that had eroded over time. They decided to seek counseling, committing to open communication and mutual effort. Through therapy, they learned to appreciate the importance of everyday acts of kindness, consideration, and understanding. Slowly, they began to heal the wounds in their relationship. Leia made a conscious effort to respect Jane’s time and to prioritize their quality time together. Jane, in turn, learned to honor Leia’s need for solitude and to involve her in decision-making.
Honoring and respecting each other became the foundation of their renewed commitment. It wasn’t about grand gestures but about the small, everyday acts that showed they valued and cherished each other. With time and effort, Leia and Jane found their way back to each other, their love stronger and more resilient than ever before. Both Leia and Jane have had trouble respecting and honoring each other at different points during their struggle, and their behavior escalated over time as the connection between them weakened, but at the inflection point, recognized that change is possible, and took corrective action to make a better future.
Empathy
Empathy plays a central role in creating emotional safety: strive to understand your partners’ emotions and viewpoints, even if they differ from your own. Show compassion and support during difficult times, letting your partner(s) know that you’re there for them. Empathy builds emotional intimacy and trust, making it easier for all parties to share openly and vulnerably.
Elements of Empathy
- Avoiding Advice Overload
- Being Patient
- Recognizing Their Unique Experiences
- Adapting to Others Needs
- Providing Reassurance
The elements of Empathy above are but a small portion of a large umbrella, but they underscore the aspects of ensuring that one is aware of the emotional state of those around them, and share in those feelings directly, and can and will adjust their behavior based on those feelings.
Let’s take a looks at Tom, Kelly, and Lee-Anne, and see how they fare when these elements of empathy break down in their relationship:
Tom, Kelly, & Lee-Anne: Empathy
Tom, Kelly, and Lee-Anne had been in a committed triad relationship for nearly a decade, and have been living together for most of that time. They prided themselves on their open communication and deep connection, always working together to navigate the complexities of their dynamic. However, in the last six month, the cracks in their relationship began to show, as the household had undergone a few changes recently:
It started with Tom’s new tendency to offer unsolicited advice: whenever Kelly or Lee-Anne shared their problems or frustrations, Tom would immediately jump in with solutions. One evening, Kelly confided in Tom and Lee-Anne about a tough day at work - a client was being unreasonable and demanding outside the scope of the contract, but they were her best account. She was looking for comfort, but Tom began listing ways she could handle the situation. Kelly felt overwhelmed and unheard: she didn’t necessarily want solutions; she wanted understanding and reassurance. Lee-Anne noticed Kelly’s discomfort but didn’t intervene on her behalf, which only deepened Kelly’s sense of isolation while Tom continued.
Meanwhile, Kelly struggled with being patient, especially with Lee-Anne. Lee-Anne had recently started a new job (she was a nurse at a local hospital) that demanded a lot from her, leaving her exhausted and needing more time to herself. Kelly, feeling neglected, grew impatient and snapped at Lee-Anne for not being as present in the relationship or the household. Lee-Anne felt pressured and unsupported, struggling to balance her new responsibilities with the expectations of her partners. A rift between the two formed, and the tension in the home could be felt for days afterward.
Elsewhere, Tom had a long history of anxiety, which made him withdraw emotionally, and sometimes physically. Kelly and Lee-Anne, not understanding his past experiences, often interpreted his withdrawal as disinterest or indifference. They would pressure him to engage more, not realizing that their approach was adding to his stress, often leading him to withdraw more, reinforcing the cycle of withdrawal, which made the situation worse.
Adapting to each other’s needs became a challenge as well: since Lee-Anne needed more relaxation time after her demanding shifts, and Kelly thrived on social activities and outings, instead of finding a balance, they began to resent each other’s needs. Lee-Anne felt pressured to participate in activities she didn’t enjoy, and Kelly felt constrained and bored. Tom, caught in the middle, felt like he had to choose sides, which only added to his anxiety, reinforcing his want to withdraw entirely.
Providing reassurance was another critical element they overlooked. Each partner had their insecurities, but instead of offering comfort, they often responded with irritation or indifference. One night, after an argument, Lee-Anne expressed her fear that their relationship was falling apart. Instead of reassuring her, Tom, feeling overwhelmed, retreated to his room. Kelly, still upset from the argument, offered no support either. Instead choosing to leave the house and vent to a friend on the phone outside loudly. Lee-Anne felt alone in her fears, her need for reassurance unmet, and went to work stewing in her emotions.
The breaking point came one weekend when they had planned a getaway to reconnect. The trip, meant to be a time of bonding, turned into a series of conflicts and misunderstandings. Tom felt attacked for not being more engaged, Kelly felt abandoned by both of her partner’s withdrawals, and Lee-Anne felt unappreciated and unsupported. Sitting around the campfire the first night, the tension was palpable. Lee-Anne, tears in her eyes, finally voiced her feelings: she spoke about how she felt unseen and unsupported, how their lack of support for each other was tearing them apart.
Tom and Kelly listened, realizing the depth of Lee-Anne’s pain. Tom apologized for his unsolicited advice and acknowledged his tendency to withdraw. Kelly expressed regret for her impatience and lack of understanding. They all recognized that they had been neglecting the very empathy that was supposed to be the foundation of their relationship.
As they talked, each went around the campfire and spoke of unmet needs, and how they had sought reassurances from each other, only to feel like they had been abandoned or “shot down” time and again. Determined to make things right, they decided to seek help from a relationship counselor specializing in their particular needs.
Tom, Kelly, and Lee-Anne learned that practicing empathy wasn’t just about understanding each other in the good times, but about being there for each other, offering support, patience, and reassurance, even when things were tough. It took time with individual therapy and joint therapy with continual effort that required attention and care, but it was worth it to preserve the love they shared.
Encourage Acceptance
Creating a non-judgmental atmosphere is essential: make it clear that mistakes and imperfections are part of being human and are not reasons for shame or criticism. Encourage a growth mindset where errors are viewed as opportunities for learning and improvement. This acceptance reduces fear of failure and encourages everyone to take risks and explore new ideas without the dread of negative consequences.
Elements of Acceptance
- Setting Realistic Expectations
- Accepting Apologies
- Avoiding Criticism
- Being Open-Minded
- Engaging Others’ Interests
Acceptance is not simply the ability to take in what others are or appear to be, but also actively engaging with their interests and accepting what they do, avoiding judging their non-harmful actions, setting appropriate expectations, and viewing failure as an opportunity for growth and accepting sincere apologies.
When they’re missing, however, they can lead to an erosion of interest, interaction, respect, connection, and finally bond. Here we’ll take a look at Louis and Grace as they struggle with some issues around failures of acceptance:
Louis & Grace: Encourage Acceptance
Louis and Grace had been together for six years, sharing countless memories and building a life that seemed perfect from the outside. They had always prided themselves on their ability to support each other and encourage acceptance. However, as time passed, they began to falter in key areas, and their relationship began to suffer.
It started with setting unrealistic expectations: Louis had always been a high achiever and career-focused and expected the same level of ambition from Grace. He constantly pushed her to pursue further education and career advancements, despite her contentment with her current job. Grace, feeling the pressure to meet Louis’s expectations, started to resent his lack of acceptance for who she was and her happiness. She felt that Louis was trying to mold her into someone she wasn’t, which created a strain between them.
Elsewhere, Grace was the type to hold grudges: whenever Louis made a mistake, no matter how minor, Grace found it difficult to let go. As was common, on one particular night, after an argument about household chores, Louis apologized sincerely, but Grace kept bringing it up long afterward - it ended up ruining the entire night, leaving both angry and frustrated.
Before long, criticism became a regular feature in their interactions: Louis gained the habit of pointing out Grace’s flaws under the guise of wanting to help her improve. Whether it was her cooking, her fashion choices, or even her hobbies, Louis had something negative to say. Grace, on the other hand, avoided direct criticism but often made passive-aggressive comments about Louis’s habits. Their home, once a place of comfort, became a battleground of constant sniping and hurt feelings.
Being open-minded was something they had initially cherished in their relationship, but it quickly eroded. Louis has always had strong opinions about politics, and Grace had different views though wasn’t nearly as invested. Instead of having healthy debates, Louis would dismiss Grace’s opinions as uninformed. This dismissal made Grace feel undervalued and unheard, so she simply started avoiding conversations on topics she knew would lead to arguments, leading to a lack of meaningful communication between them.
This led to avoiding engaging in each other’s interests entirely: Louis loved hiking and outdoor activities, while Grace preferred reading and attending art exhibitions. In the beginning, they tried to participate in each other’s hobbies, but over time, they stopped making the effort. Louis went on solo hikes, and Grace attended art shows with her friends. Their failure to engage in each other’s interests further widened the gap between them.
The breaking point came on their sixth anniversary. They had planned an anniversary dinner at a restaurant they both particularly enjoyed during their early dating years, hoping to rekindle their connection. However, the evening quickly turned sour when they began discussing their future. Louis brought up his desire for Grace to pursue a higher degree, while Grace expressed her frustration at feeling pressured. The conversation escalated into a full-blown argument, with both of them airing grievances that had been building up for months.
In the heat of the moment, Grace broke down and confessed how she felt unloved and unaccepted for who she was. Louis, realizing the impact of his unrealistic expectations and constant criticism, felt a pang of guilt. He admitted that he had been trying to shape Grace into his ideal partner, rather than appreciating her for the person she already was.
They both sat in silence, the weight of their actions hanging heavily in the air. Louis took Grace’s hand and apologized for not accepting her as she was. Grace, through tears, apologized for her inability to forgive and her passive-aggressive remarks. They realized that their relationship needed more than just love; it needed acceptance and understanding.
Determined to mend their relationship, they spoke at length about the path forward and decided to seek couples therapy. They learned to set realistic expectations, appreciate each other’s efforts, and forgive past mistakes. They made a conscious effort to avoid criticism, be open-minded, and engage in each other’s interests once again.
Through patience and dedication, Louis and Grace began to rebuild the acceptance and love that had initially brought them together. They discovered that encouraging acceptance was a continuous process, requiring effort and empathy from both sides. By embracing their differences and appreciating each other for who they truly were, Louis and Grace found their way back to a stronger, more accepting relationship.
Ownership
Apologize sincerely when you make mistakes. A heartfelt apology can go a long way in repairing trust and showing that you value the relationship. Take active responsibility for your actions and express genuine remorse, without making excuses. This humility and accountability demonstrate respect for your partner’s feelings and contribute to an environment of openness and safety.
Elements of Ownership
- Proactively Apologize
- Be Sincere
- Admit Fault
- Own Your Actions
- Change Your Behavior
Ownership is an important aspect of being authentic in a relationship, and these elements are drivers of that both in an apology and in daily life. The act of an apology is only meaningful when it comes from a place of sincerity, responsibility for the injury is taken, a plan of action to remediate the harm done, and an honest commitment to change is enacted.
When these elements are missing, they can make an apology worse than none at all, as we’ll see in this situation that arises with Marie and Jack:
Marie & Jack: Ownership
Marie and Jack had been together for seven years, and their relationship had always been a source of joy and comfort. They were deeply in love, but over time, they started to neglect one crucial aspect: owning their mistakes. This failure gradually eroded the trust and respect between them, leading to increasing troubles in their relationship.
It began with Marie’s reluctance to proactively apologize. One evening, she accidentally double-booked their anniversary dinner with a work event. Instead of apologizing and acknowledging her mistake, she brushed it off, hoping Jack would understand without needing her to say the words. Jack sat alone in their home, feeling hurt and unappreciated until Marie came home and waited for an apology that never came, which planted the first seeds of resentment.
On the other hand, Jack struggled with sincerity. He would apologize when he knew it was expected, but his apologies lacked genuine remorse. After a particularly harsh argument where he raised his voice, he quickly said, “I’m sorry,” but Marie could tell by the tone of his voice and the lack of any meaningful words after it that he didn’t truly mean it. This insincerity made Marie feel like her feelings were being dismissed, causing her to withdraw emotionally.
Admitting fault was another area where they both failed, but in different ways. Jack had a tendency to shift blame. When he forgot to pay the electricity bill, causing a late fee, he blamed Marie for not reminding him, rather than admitting he had forgotten. This defensiveness frustrated Marie, making her feel like she couldn’t rely on him.
Marie, on the other hand, struggled with owning her actions. She often made decisions without considering their consequences, such as making significant purchases without discussing them with Jack. On one occasion, she happened to do this when the account was low, causing an overdraft fee. When confronted, she would make excuses instead of taking responsibility. This behavior left Jack feeling sidelined and unimportant in their partnership.
Change in behavior was the final straw that began to unravel their relationship. Jack had a habit of leaving things around the house, promising to clean up later but never following through. Marie constantly reminded him, but he never made a true effort to change. Similarly, Marie often promised to be more mindful of their finances, but her impulsive spending continued. Their repeated failures to change their behavior after acknowledging their mistakes led to a build-up of frustration and disappointment.
The breaking point came one evening when they had planned a special dinner at home. Jack, tired from work, accidentally spilled a glass of wine on Marie’s dress. Instead of immediately apologizing and helping her clean up, he muttered, “It’s just a dress,” and went to the kitchen. Marie, already on edge from their ongoing issues, snapped and brought up all the times Jack had failed to own his actions. Jack retaliated, listing all the instances Marie had made excuses instead of admitting her faults.
In the heated exchange that followed, they both laid bare their grievances. Marie accused Jack of never truly meaning his apologies, while Jack accused Marie of never acknowledging her mistakes. It was a raw and painful confrontation, but it also served as a wake-up call.
Realizing the depth of their problems, they decided to seek counseling. Through therapy, they learned the importance of proactively apologizing, being sincere, admitting fault, owning their actions, and most importantly, changing their behavior. It was a difficult journey, but they were committed to making it work.
Marie began to apologize sincerely when she made mistakes, and Jack learned to express genuine remorse. They both made an effort to admit their faults without shifting blame and took responsibility for their actions. Slowly, they began to see positive changes in each other and their relationship.
By owning their mistakes and committing to change, Marie and Jack managed to rebuild the trust and respect that had been eroded. They discovered that love wasn’t just about being there for each other during the good times, but also about being accountable and making amends when things went wrong. With this newfound understanding, they were able to strengthen their bond and move forward together.
Vulnerability
Encourage and practice vulnerability: share your own fears, hopes, and insecurities with your partner(s), when you do so, you create a safe space for them to do the same. Showing your own vulnerability and being receptive and caring when your partner(s) do the same fosters deeper emotional connections and demonstrates that it’s okay to be imperfect and authentic.
Elements of Vulnerability
- Avoiding Gossip
- Keeping Promises
- Share Your Vulnerabilities
- Admitting Insecurities
- Accepting Help
Fostering vulnerability is difficult for many in relationships, as vulnerability is often portrayed as a weakness or personal flaw in popular media and parenting. However, the positive aspects of shared vulnerability in romantic relationships and other close-knit familial and platonic relationships is well documented where trust is firmly established and reinforced regularly.
Where the elements of vulnerability are missing, or misused, however, relationships can quickly sour, and turn toxic, as we’ll see in the case of Jose and Aria:
Jose & Aria: Foster Vulnerability
Jose and Aria had been together for eight years and had married early: their relationship had always been one of trust and openness, but over the past few years, things had started to change. They both had failed to foster vulnerability, particularly after Jose had taken on new responsibility at work after a promotion, and this gradual erosion began to take its toll on their bond.
It began with gossip: Aria had always enjoyed catching up with her friends, but lately, she had started sharing more about her relationship with Jose than he was comfortable with. One evening, Jose overheard Aria discussing a personal argument they had with her friends: he felt betrayed and exposed. Later that night, when he confronted Aria about it, she brushed it off, saying it was just harmless venting. Jose, feeling like his privacy had been invaded, stormed off and withdrew to another part of the house, finding it difficult to trust Aria with his feelings.
On the other hand, Jose struggled with keeping promises - in the past he had been reliable, but his new position was demanding more of his time and attention. He promised Aria that he would be home for dinner on time, but he often arrived late or canceled at the last minute. Aria, who relied on these moments to reconnect after a long day, felt increasingly let down. She tried to express her disappointment, but Jose would only offer excuses instead of addressing the repeated failures.
Sharing vulnerabilities had always been a strength for them, but it started to wane - Aria found it harder and harder to open up about her fears and insecurities. Lately, she was struggling with anxiety about her future career, but instead of sharing these worries with Jose, she kept them to herself. Jose sensed something was wrong but didn’t approach Aria to talk, even though he missed the closeness they once had when they shared everything, but he didn’t know how to bridge the growing gap.
Likewise, Jose was used to being confident, but his new job came with pressures and self-doubt that he wasn’t used to. Instead of confiding in Aria, he put on a brave face and pretended everything was fine. Aria noticed his stress but couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t talk to her about it. This lack of openness from Jose made her feel like an outsider in his life, deepening the emotional distance between them.
Between the both of them, accepting help was the final element where they both stumbled. Aria was trying to manage her anxiety on her own, refusing to let Jose in. When he offered to help her find a therapist or to simply be there to listen, she pushed him away, insisting she could handle it - naturally, this rejection made Jose feel helpless and unwanted. And, of course, when Jose was struggling with his work pressures, Aria tried to support him, but he brushed off her offers, not wanting to seem weak or incapable. Both felt isolated in their struggles, unable to lean on each other for support.
The breaking point came on a Saturday afternoon when they were supposed to spend the day together. Jose had promised to take Aria on a surprise outing, but once again, he got caught up in work and canceled at the last minute. Aria, already feeling neglected and unimportant, finally broke down. She confronted Jose about his broken promises, his reluctance to share his vulnerabilities, and how she felt he wasn’t there for her.
Jose, seeing Aria’s pain, realized how his actions had been hurting their relationship. He admitted his own insecurities about his job and how he had been too proud to accept help. He apologized for not keeping his promises and for failing to recognize Aria’s needs.
In turn, Aria admitted how her gossiping had betrayed his trust and how she had been hiding her own struggles with anxiety. She promised to be more open and to accept his help when she needed it.
They both agreed to make changes. Aria started seeing a therapist and made a conscious effort to talk to Jose about her feelings and anxieties. Jose set boundaries at work to ensure he could keep his promises and made it a point to share his struggles with Aria.
After a few weeks, both began to see improvements, and realized that they needed to check in regularly to ensure that they were meeting each other’s needs, and made scheduled time each month to make sure that they didn’t fall out of alignment again.
Through these efforts, they began to rebuild the vulnerability and trust that had once been the cornerstone of their relationship. They learned that fostering vulnerability required mutual effort, understanding, and a willingness to support each other through their insecurities and challenges. With time and dedication, Jose and Aria found their way back to a deeper, more honest connection.
Growth
Support each other’s growth and development. Celebrate successes and provide encouragement during challenges. Offer constructive feedback in a way that is supportive rather than critical, helping each other to grow and improve in a positive manner. This mutual support strengthens the bond between you and fosters a sense of safety and belonging.
Elements of Growth
- Supporting New Ventures
- Celebrating Achievements
- Giving Positive Feedback
- Setting Goals Together
- Creating Rituals
The facets of celebrating growth may seem simple and straightforward - even common sense, but they often are the first to be set aside when partners are stressed or distracted. Simple acknowledgements of achievements can go unnoticed when under the gun at work, or important milestones at a partner’s workplace can be swept under the rug with an underwhelming response when one is stressed, tired, or distracted by other matters.
When Anu and Kavi face these sorts of challenges, we can see how failing to appropriately celebrate each other’s growth, accomplishments, and achievements undermines the love and respect they show for each other, even if the feelings they have for one another hasn’t necessarily waned:
Anu & Kavi: Celebrate Growth
Anu and Kavi had been together for ten years, married for six, and their relationship was built on a foundation of love and shared dreams. They were always supportive of each other, or so they thought, but over the past year, they began to neglect the importance of celebrating each other’s growth. This oversight gradually strained their bond, and the dreams they once shared.
It started with failing to support new ventures on both sides: Anu had always dreamed of starting her own graphic design business. When she finally took the leap, she expected Kavi to be her biggest cheerleader. However, Kavi was skeptical and voiced concerns about the financial risks involved. Instead of offering support, he frequently questioned her decisions, making Anu feel like he didn’t believe in her abilities. Anu, feeling unsupported, started to doubt herself and her venture, and eventually stopped asking for his advice.
On the other hand, Kavi had taken up a new hobby—woodworking. He spent hours in the garage, creating intricate pieces of furniture. Initially, Anu was excited for him, but as time went on, she began to see it as a distraction from their relationship, as he would spend all his free time there, instead of in the house with her. She rarely showed interest in his projects or asked about his progress. Kavi, sensing her indifference, felt disheartened and unsupported in his new passion, and eventually stopped bringing his finished pieces into the house to show them off.
Celebrating achievements was another area where they struggled. When Anu landed her first major client, she was over the moon. She expected Kavi to celebrate with her, but he merely gave a perfunctory “good job” and moved on to talk about his day. Anu was crushed: she felt her significant milestone was brushed aside, diminishing her sense of accomplishment.
Later that month, when Kavi had won a local woodworking competition, a huge achievement for him, he eagerly shared the news with Anu, hoping for a celebratory night out or at least some enthusiastic acknowledgement. Unsurprisingly, Anu gave a lukewarm congratulations and quickly changed the topic to their household chores. Kavi felt his hard work and success were undervalued, a mirror to Anu’s disappointment.
Giving positive feedback was another missing element: Anu often reviewed Kavi’s woodworking projects, nitpicking and pointing out minor flaws rather than praising his creativity and effort. Kavi, in return, frequently pointed out the challenges and setbacks in Anu’s business instead of recognizing her hard work and resilience. Their mutual focus on the negative rather than encouragement began to wear on their self-esteem and motivation, which fueled each other’s frustrations. Without the positive aspects of actual feedback, what should have been critique was simply criticism in disguise.
Setting goals together was something they used to do often, but it had fallen by the wayside. Anu and Kavi had once planned their future, discussing dreams and aspirations. Now, they barely talked about their individual or shared goals. Anu wanted to expand her business and hire her first employee, but she didn’t feel comfortable discussing this with Kavi, fearing his skepticism. Kavi, on the other hand, dreamed of turning his hobby into a small business but felt unsupported by Anu, so he kept his ambitions to himself.
Likewise, shared rituals had also been an essential part of their relationship - they used to have a weekly date night, celebrating small wins and simply enjoying each other’s company. But as life got busier, these rituals fell apart. They stopped setting aside time for each other, and the moments of connection they once cherished became infrequent.
The breaking point came on their anniversary. Anu had planned a night out to celebrate their years together and a recent business milestone. Kavi, however, forgot about their anniversary and scheduled a woodworking session with his friends. When he arrived home late, Anu was heartbroken and furious. They had a heated argument, where all their frustrations and feelings of neglect came to the surface.
Anu accused Kavi of never supporting her business and not celebrating her achievements. Kavi countered, saying she didn’t care about his woodworking or his success. They both realized how much they had failed each other and came to realize that they needed help: with the aid of a few family members and a local pastor of their church they put their lives on hold and determined to fix their relationship, they decided to seek couples therapy.
Through counseling and therapy, they worked to communicate better, support each other’s interests, and appreciate each other’s ventures and achievements genuinely. Anu made an effort to show interest in Kavi’s woodworking, attending his exhibitions and praising his work. Kavi, in turn, started to support Anu’s business, offering constructive feedback and celebrating her successes.
They reinstated their weekly date nights and began setting goals together, discussing their future plans and dreams openly. They created new rituals, like monthly celebrations of their small wins, ensuring they never lost sight of their growth and achievements.
By learning to celebrate growth and support each other’s ventures, Anu and Kavi rediscovered the joy and strength in their relationship. They realized that fostering vulnerability required mutual effort, understanding, and a willingness to support each other through their insecurities and challenges. With time and dedication, Anu and Kavi found their way back to a deeper, more honest connection. Not long later, they found ways to incorporate their craft into each other’s works on occasion, furthering their shared love of their art.