Tools for Resolving Conflict
"In one of our concert grand pianos, 243 taut strings exert a pull of 40,000 pounds on an iron frame. It is proof that out of great tension may come great harmony.”
- Normalize the inevitability of conflict & establish a safe forum for it. Discuss and agree to as many of these guidelines as seem useful.
- The goal is to inform and negotiate for change, not punish. Punishment destroys trust. Love can open the “ears” of the other’s heart.
- Imagine how it would be easiest to hear about your grievance from the other. Say it as it would be easiest for you to hear.
- Preface complaints with acknowledgement of the good of the other and your mutual relationship.
- No name-calling, sarcasm, or character assassination.
- No analyzing the other or mind reading.
- Be dialogical. Give short, concise statements that allow the other to reflect back and paraphrase key points to let you hear that you are accurately being heard.
- No denial of the other’s rights as outlined in the Relationship Bill of Rights.
- Differences are often not a matter of right or wrong; both people can be right, and merely different. Be willing to sometimes agree to differ.
- Avoid “you” statements. Use “I” statements that identify your feelings and your experience of what you perceive as unfair.
- One specific issue, with accompanying identifiable behavior, at a time. Ask yourself what hurts the most to try to find your key complaint.
- Stick to the issue until both persons feel fully heard. Take turns presenting issues.
- No interrupting or filibustering.
- Present a complaint as lovingly and calmly as possible.
- Timeouts: If discussion becomes heated either person can call a timeout, from one minute to twenty four hours, as long as s/he nominates a time to resume.
- Discharge as much of any accumulated charge before hand as possible.
- Own responsibility for any accumulated charge in the anger that might come from not talking about it soon enough.
- Own responsibility for accumulated charge displaced from other hurts.
- Commit to grow in your understanding of how much of your charge comes from neglect.
- Commit to recovering from the losses of childhood by effectively identifying, grieving, and reclaiming them.
- Apologize from an unashamed place. Make whatever amends are possible. Include your intention to correct your behavior in the future. Explain your extenuating circumstances as evidence – not as an excuse - that you were not trying to be hurtful.