Proactive Accountability
”You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.”
Proactively taking accountability for your actions is an important way one can build trust with the people in your life. It is a practice that demonstrates your character, integrity, capacity for self-reflection, and the kinds of values that you are committed to.
By owning up to your mistakes, you can show others that you value honesty and transparency, and that you are willing to face the consequences of your actions. This not only strengthens your relationships but also helps to create a culture of mutual respect and understanding.
For example, if you didn’t do the task you said you would do because you took on too much, you would communicate about it as soon as you realized you would not be able to get it done. You would apologize and proactively let people know when you would be able to get it done, or take the time to think of suggestions for other ways it could get done.
You would acknowledge that you took on too much and promise to work on doing better next time, which may mean that you invest time to work on learning how to say “no,” or your time management, or your need to please others, or your habit of procrastination.
Becoming Accountable
Therefore, the goal is to learn how to make yourself comfortable with being forthcoming about your mistakes, rather than hoping no one finds out about what you’ve done. Ideally, you would communicate with others as soon as you know you’ve messed up or haven’t done what you said you would do. This is true whether someone has made you aware of what you’ve done (or not done) or whether you’ve come to the realization on your own. You would care more about doing the right thing, than “getting caught.”
You should not put the labor of reaching out and checking in about your accountability on someone else, especially those you’ve harmed. You should do the work to be accountable for yourself including the work to not run away or hide.
We need to move away from “holding people accountable” and instead work to support people to proactively take accountability for themselves. It is not another person’s job to hold you accountable—that is your job. People can support you to be accountable, but no one but you can do the hard work of taking accountability for yourself. Don’t wait until someone else has to bring up your behavior.
Making Accountability Safe
In an emotionally safe environment, owning mistakes is met with acceptance and understanding, not recrimination. This encourages open communication, trust, and security. When people feel safe to admit mistakes, it fosters honest dialogue, collaborative problem-solving, empathy, and compassion, allowing for mutual support during difficult times.
In addition, efforts to repair the damage caused by a mistake are always appreciated. Taking responsibility goes beyond admitting fault; it includes making amends and taking steps to prevent the mistake from recurring. This approach shows a commitment to personal growth and the health of the relationship. It demonstrates that you are willing to make things right and that you value the trust and respect of those around you.
From that perspective, we’ll take a look at a couple that has had trouble with the proactive aspects of taking accountability, and see how that makes what should have been the simple shared goal of saving for a well deserved vacation, instead, a harrowing argument that nearly cost them their relationship:
Joe & Bill: Proactive Accountability
It all started with a misunderstanding over a shared financial goal. Joe and Bill had agreed to save up for a vacation to Italy, a dream they had both cherished for years. They had set up a joint savings account and made a plan to contribute equally each month. However, Bill had recently made an impulsive purchase, draining a significant portion without consulting Joe.
When Joe checked the account and saw the missing funds, he was furious. He waited for Bill to come home from work to confront him. “Bill, what happened to our vacation fund? We were supposed to be saving for Italy, and now there’s a big chunk missing!”
Bill looked surprised and then guilty. “Oh, that. I’m sorry, Joe. I saw a sale on a new laptop I’ve been wanting for a while, and jumped at the chance. I meant to tell you, but I forgot.”
Joe’s face tightened with anger. “You forgot? We’ve been planning this trip for months, Bill. You can’t just take money out without talking to me first!”
Bill sighed, feeling cornered. “I said I’m sorry, Joe. I’ll put the money back next month - It’s not that big of a deal.”
Joe was furious at Bill’s flippant apology, “Not that big of a deal? It’s a huge deal to me! You didn’t just forget, you completely ignored our plan and our partnership in the process!”
Bill, feeling defensive, retorted, “I made a mistake, Joe, everyone makes mistakes - Why can’t you just accept my apology and move on?”
Joe, feeling unheard and dismissed, decided to drop the conversation, and left the room but the resentment lingered. Over the next few days, tension remained between them. Joe avoided talking about the vacation fund, while Bill acted as if everything was normal, taking the silence on the matter as the signal that the matter was closed.
One evening, after another argument sparked by a minor issue, Joe finally exploded. “You never take responsibility for anything, Bill! It’s not just about the money—it’s about respecting our decisions and commitments.”
Bill, realizing the depth of Joe’s frustration, tried to defend himself. “I apologized, Joe. What more do you want from me?”
“I want you to own your actions, Bill. Not just say ‘sorry’ and move on like nothing happened. I need to see that you understand the impact of your actions and that you’re committed to making it right.” Joe replied, his voice shaking with emotion.
Bill took a deep breath, realizing that he had failed to show accountability. “Okay, Joe. I can see your point. Let’s sit down and talk about how we can fix this.”
They sat at the kitchen table, and Bill started, “I’m really sorry for what I did. I didn’t just forget; I made a choice without considering our plans and your feelings. I realize now how much that hurt you.”
Joe nodded, feeling slightly relieved. “Thank you, Bill. I need to know that we’re in this together, and that means respecting our agreements and communicating better. I want to know how you’re going to do that in the future.”
Bill continued, “I promise to replace the money I took from our fund within the next two months. I’ll also be more transparent about any major purchases in the future. Let’s also set up a regular time each week to check in on our finances and other important plans so we’re always on the same page.”
Joe smiled for the first time in days. “That sounds like a good plan, Bill. I appreciate you taking responsibility and working with me on this.”
Through this conversation, Joe and Bill began to rebuild their trust. They learned that an effective apology involves more than just words—it requires acknowledging the impact of one’s actions, taking steps to make amends, and committing to change. By practicing proactive accountability, they strengthened their partnership and ensured that future misunderstandings could be resolved more effectively.
Going forward, they will need to continue working on this pattern of behavior so that they don’t fall into old habits, and that will take accountability on both of their parts - commitment and follow through on Bill’s part to change, and boundary setting on Joe’s part to ensure that he doesn’t enable Bill to backslide.
For yourself, whenever possible, work to proactively take accountability for yourself. Say something the moment you know you’ve made a mistake, caused hurt or harm, or acted out of alignment with your values. Check in with someone about your behavior before they have to say something to you. Communicate well. Build a strong moral compass and get clear about your values.