Taking Ownership
“Openness, respect, integrity – these are principles that need to underpin pretty much every other decision that you make.”
Taking ownership involves acknowledging responsibility for your actions and mistakes without deflecting blame or making excuses. It is a core component of a sincere and effective apology that includes several important elements:
- Acknowledgement - Clearly state what you did wrong. This shows that you understand and recognize your mistake. If you’re at all unclear, ask the victim.
- Responsibility - Take full responsibility for your actions or behavior. This means not blaming others or external circumstances.
- Empathy - Showing that you understand how your actions affected the other person and expressing genuine remorse for the hurt or injury caused without equivocation.
Accepting responsibility goes beyond just admitting you’ve made a mistake. It’s about fully owning your actions without making excuses or shifting blame. When you’re truly fluent in the language of apology, you prioritize accountability and integrity, understanding that real reconciliation starts with openly admitting your mistakes and accepting that your actions caused harm.
When you apologize, it’s not just about saying, “I’m sorry.” It’s about showing a genuine commitment to making things right. This means acknowledging your fault and taking steps to fix it. Cultivating this kind of responsibility requires humility. It urges you to resist the temptation to blame outside factors—circumstances, other people, or even the person you’ve hurt. Instead, you focus on owning your role and committing to change.
Aspects
When taking ownership, acknowledging the harm you’ve caused and taking responsibility for your actions is a must: this can help you convey your remorse and empathy to person that you hurt, and can help repair the damage to your relationship with them. Therefore, try to include the following aspects:
Ask Permission
Make sure the person is willing to have the conversation. This is about consent and boundaries. Ask them for a few minutes of their time, explaining that you have something you’d like to say to them: “I’d like to talk about the mistake I made the other day, do you have a few minutes to talk about it?”
Be Specific
Clearly identify and acknowledge what you did wrong. Use that identify that you know what was wrong: “I’m sorry for missing our meeting with the client yesterday.”
“I” Statements
Take personal responsibility by using statements that start with “I,” such as: “I forgot to set a reminder and lost track of time.”
Set Aside Pride
When taking ownership of an error, it’s crucial to put pride aside and take accountability for the issue at hand: “I’m usually much better about keeping track of my day, and in an missing the meeting I may have cost us face with the client.”
Acknowledge Impact
Show that you understand how your actions affected the other person: “I understand that this caused you inconvenience and disrupted your schedule.”
Avoid Excuses
Do not shift blame or make excuses for your behavior. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, but traffic was terrible,” say, “I’m sorry I didn’t leave earlier to account for traffic or other potential issues.”
One of the more difficult aspects of this part is avoiding backstory, intent, reasoning, and the rationale for your actions. While this can seem helpful to explain why you did what you did, to the victim of your actions, it comes across as an excuse, and reinforces that you’re not committed to stopping the behavior that caused the injury they received, because if the conditions that caused the behavior occur again, your reasons might cause the behavior again.
Genuine Remorse
Show that you are truly sorry for your actions and their impact: “I’m sorry that I caused you unnecessary stress and wasted your and the client’s time.”
Keep It Concise
Keep it sincere and short. An apology is not there to make us feel better or defend our actions: “I apologize for my mistake, and I will work to ensure it doesn’t happen again.”
Science of Failure
Notably, research underscores the crucial role of self-compassion in facilitating the acceptance of responsibility. Embracing self-compassion initiates a chain reaction of acceptance, starting with acknowledging one’s own imperfections and extending to accepting imperfections in others.
Taking responsibility for one’s actions lays the groundwork for the restoration of trust in one’s relationships. This willingness to own up to mistakes creates an atmosphere of honesty and accountability, which is essential for maintaining healthy interpersonal dynamics. Thus, when self-acceptance is lacking, truthful and full taking of ownership can be lacking, as these are often co-morbid.
There are many ways in which one can fail to to take ownership of the actions - so many that it would probably be impossible to list them all, and there are many ways to categorize and they overlap in many ways. The goal really is to keep on the straight and narrow - keep the words as concise as possible.
To Take Ownership: Don’t Dodge, Don’t Rationalize, Accept What You’ve Done, and Move On to Making It Right.
Further Steps
While not directly definitionally part of taking ownership the following concepts are important to it supporting the concept and are core to effectively showing that the apologizer is committed to doing so. Consider these concepts “further reading,” on your journey to Taking Ownership and completing your apology.
Seek Feedback
After apologizing, ask for feedback to understand how you can improve and show that you value the other person’s perspective. Often you might have missed the mark on what the actual impact of your actions was, and what you might need to repair.
The victim’s perspective is most important in the scope of the conversation, so be sure to actively listen and be prepared to adjust your plan to incorporate what they have to say and how you plan to more forward.
Commitment to Change
Trust can be built only after lasting changes have been made. Remember, actions always speak louder than words. Thus, one must consistently apply the changes you’ve committed to and show through your actions that you have learned from the mistake. Understand that rebuilding trust takes time and be patient with the process.
Transparency
When trust is broken, rebuilding it can be a challenging and lengthy process. It’s important to show that you’re committed to making amends and taking responsibility for your actions. This may involve being transparent about your behavior, making changes to prevent the same mistakes from happening again, and demonstrating a willingness to listen and be empathetic towards the other person’s feelings.
One way to rebuild trust is to take small steps towards repairing the relationship. This might include regular check-ins to see how the other person is doing, offering to make amends in a meaningful way, or simply being consistent in your behavior over time.
Repeated Mistakes
If the mistake has happened before, acknowledge the pattern of behavior and express a stronger commitment to change - the victim will need reassurance that this mistake will not reoccur again, particularly if that commitment has been offered in the past. For example: “I realize this isn’t the first time I’ve been late, and I’m committed to changing this habit.”
Making Amends
Taking actionable steps to rectify the situation or mitigate any harm caused - this demonstrates that you’re committed to rebuilding the relationship by expending effort proactively. Be aware that while doing so may garner you forgiveness, it is not transactional, and any expectation therein is inherently harmful, and should be avoided.