Setting Realistic Expectations for Others
”If you have high expectations you're going to get resentments and all kinds of tension.”
Setting realistic expectations for others is key to making your relationships healthy and satisfying. If your expectations are unrealistic it can lead to misunderstandings, disappointment, and frustration, while realistic ones foster trust, respect, and mutual support.
Self-Reflection
Start by looking inward: Understanding your own beliefs, values, needs, and why you have certain expectations. Consider whether they are influenced by past experiences, cultural norms, or personal insecurities.
Expectations: Self-Reflection Questions
- What do I expect from this relationship?
- Why do I have these expectations?
- Are my expectations influenced by past experiences or societal pressures?
- Could personal insecurities be driving this expectation?
- What specific need am I trying to fulfill with this expectation?
- Are these expectations beneficial or harmful to the relationship?
- What emotions are tied to these expectations (e.g., fear, hope, anxiety)?
- Have I communicated my expectations clearly, or are they based on assumptions?
- How have past disappointments or failures influenced my current expectations?
- Am I projecting my own desires and goals onto the other person?
- Am I trying to control or change the other person through my expectations?
- How might my expectations affect the other person’s sense of autonomy and independence?
- Are my expectations based on idealized versions of people rather than their true selves?
- Am I willing to listen and understand the other person’s Take Perspective on my expectations?
Understanding
To set realistic expectations, it is essential to understand the other person’s perspective, capabilities, and limitations. Spend time observing and listening to them. Consider their values, goals, and the context of their life. Understanding the other person helps you align your expectations with their reality, reducing the likelihood of disappointment.
Expectations: Understanding Questions
- What are their strengths and weaknesses?
- What are their priorities and goals?
- What challenges or constraints are they facing?
- Have I clearly communicated this expectation to the other person?
- Can the other person realistically meet this expectation?
- How would I feel if someone had this expectation of me?
- What are the consequences if this expectation is not met?
- How does this expectation align with the other person’s values and goals?
- Is this expectation reasonable given the other person’s circumstances?
- What do I hope to achieve by holding these expectations?
- How do unmet expectations affect my trust and confidence in the other person?
- How do I handle it when the other person expresses their own expectations of me?
- Am I willing to compromise on my expectations for the sake of the relationship?
- Are my expectations consistent, or do they change based on my mood or circumstances?
Open and Honest
Discuss your needs and expectations openly and clearly with the other person, and encourage them to do the same. Open dialogue helps both parties understand each other better. Consistently using “I” statements builds trust in your relationships. They help you take responsibility for your own feelings and actions, express your emotions and needs more constructively, and avoid making others defensive.
Clear And Specific
Make your expectations clear, realistic, and specific. For example, say, “I’d appreciate it if you could listen to me without interrupting when I share my concerns,” rather than, “I want you to be more supportive.” Specific expectations are easier for the other person to understand and meet, building a more positive relationship.
Compromise
Recognize that the other person has their own needs and limitations. Be willing to adjust your expectations and find a middle ground. Compromise strengthens the relationship and shows mutual respect. For example, If you expect your partner to spend more time with you, consider their work schedule and find a balance that works for both of you.
Review and Adjust
Regularly review your expectations and adjust them as needed. Check in with the other person to ensure your expectations are still realistic and acceptable. For example: “I know we’ve both been busy with work lately. How can we make more time for each other?” Ongoing communication and flexibility help maintain a healthy and supportive relationship.
Empathy and Patience
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand their feelings and challenges. Be patient and give them time to meet your expectations, especially if they require significant changes. For example: “I understand that it’s hard for you to open up about your feelings. I appreciate any effort you make to share with me.” Empathy and Patience create a supportive environment where both parties feel understood and valued.
Celebrate Effort and Progress
Acknowledge and appreciate the other person’s efforts to meet your expectations. Celebrate small successes and progress rather than focusing on what’s not perfect. Positive reinforcement encourages continued effort and builds a supportive relationship dynamic. For example: “Thank you for taking the time to talk with me today. It means a lot to me.”